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Brian + Tyler = Bryler Slash

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To Add To The Ever Present Gayness [Jul. 19th, 2007|11:24 pm]
Brian + Tyler = Bryler Slash

As we all know, music is the universal language of the Bryler

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This is my contribution to the Bryler Slash [Jul. 15th, 2007|03:22 pm]
Brian + Tyler = Bryler Slash

[What I's At |Cher's Couch]
[How I Feel |chipperchipper]
[What I Hear |the dish washer]

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HE SPITS HOT FIRE... [Jun. 26th, 2007|10:48 pm]
Brian + Tyler = Bryler Slash
[What I's At |4T]
[How I Feel |cheerfulcheerful]
[What I Hear |Sox]


As you should know, bad breath is a chronic disease that plagues the most disgusting of our society.  As such, it is no surprise that one half of Bryler, Bri-ron, suffers from this not-so-rare condition.  Considering all the free garbage which the man (?) consumes, it is no surprise that the smell which emanates from his mouth should smell so noisome, so putrid, so rancid...so much like evil.  Although there are many reasons why it is hard to carry on a conversation with Bri-ron (i.e. his melodramatic way of making his boring life seem so complicated and existentially confusing), his bad breath only further complicates the issue.

Dictionary.com defines chronic bad breath, technical name halitosis, as follows:

hal·i·to·sis      /ˌhælɪˈtoʊsɪs/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[hal-i-toh-sis] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation
a condition of having offensive-smelling breath; bad breath.

Believe you me, it is quite offensive...as offensive as his way of being such a drama queen minus an awesome crown (wink, wink).  Bad breath is equally defined by the late great rapper, Big L, who rapped so famously in "Ebonics" about what one is to call someone with bad breath.  The name...dragon:

If you got the dragon, you got bad breath.

In my many experiences against dragons (yes, I was there with St. George), I have learned many valuable lessons, none more essential than that which I divined from many hours before my NES playing Super Mario Bros.  Dragons must be destroyed.  Bowzer cannot be allowed to live, to kidnap our women for his own personal pleasure, to make us run through a fucking maze and maneuver around rotating rods of hot fire while jumping across pools of smoking hot fire and brimstone.  The only problem is that although one can stomp on Bowzer and end his miserable existence, Bri-ron seems to be resistant to this most ancient form of dragon slaying. 

Thus, we must aim to cut off his head.  Has anyone seen my sword?

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AS IF VQ'S WEREN'T GAY ENOUGH... [Jun. 22nd, 2007|08:00 pm]
Brian + Tyler = Bryler Slash
[What I's At |4T]
[How I Feel |aggravatedaggravated]
[What I Hear |Silence]

Just to set the record straight: I'm a hot stud.  Don't be fooled by my Lily Allen icon, I am a man and the fact that I've chosen her to appear next to my name is more an indication of her hotness and its being approved (and adored) by me. 

So according to one of our VQ informants, last week's trivia night at RiRa-cum-Isengard proved telling about the most enigmatic and queerest half of Bryler--Bri-ron.  So after having dinner with our informant, around the time when Trivia would begin, Bri-ron opted to go out to see a movie instead.  A perfectly understandable and respectable idea, if he were to say, "Let's see a movie with blood and guts, or action and explosions...something not totally gay."  But what does Bri-ron decide on...dun dun DUN: Ocean's 13.  Obviously, he did not choose this movie for the chicks -- there aren't enough chicks in the group of 13.  No, he obviously chose the movie because of its array of delicious male specimens, notably Damon, Clooney, and Pitt.  See, I'm a comfortable straight man who can appreciate the good looks of another man.  God, if I had to tell you about the number of times guys came up to me to tell me how good looking I am, it would make you puke (sigh).  But for Bri-ron, who's hiding in the closet, he is kidding himself if he thinks the movie is about espionage and not man-love.

The question remains: whom do we think he preferred.  I personally think Clooney.  He's an old man that could teacher Bri-ron a lot about life.  Bri-ron is looking for answers; Clooney thinks he has them.  Bri-ron is looking for experience; Clooney has it.  It's obvious, isn't it? (That's rhetorical so don't answer).  I love this job.  The destruction of Bryler is as imminent as the destruction of Carthage--"Bryler delenda esset!"
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I THOUGHT PEE GOES IN THE TOILET [Jun. 15th, 2007|09:49 pm]
Brian + Tyler = Bryler Slash
[What I's At |4T]
[How I Feel |goodgood]
[What I Hear |Speakerphone]


Recent reports from one of the Bryler's insiders have revealed more of the filth that is the Br of Bryler.  Here's the account that came my way on Wednesday morning:

Last night Brian and Pat got mad at me because I told them there were little drops of pee all over there bathroom walls from splatter…and their toothbrushes are sitting out on the counter. They didn’t like that information and got very defensive. It kind of ruined the night.

Now, when I was growing and being potty-trained, I was taught to aim for the Cheerios that were tossed into the toilet.  It was a fun and exciting to urinate on the Cheerios, but never, ever, did my parents throw the Cheerios around the toilet or paste them to the walls.  Why else would Bri-ron be aiming at the locales?  The answer is, according Bri-ron himself, he pees hands-free, sans les mains.  Considering the contents are under pressure, so to speak, the wild hose sprays ubiquitously, far and wide, up and down, to the left and to the right.  This wouldn't be a problem if it weren't for the fact that the bathroom is not only a space intended for urination as well as sanitation.  To think that Bri-ron probably steps out from the shower (if he fact ever takes one -- there is much speculation considering his halitosis and old-man odor) on to a contaminated floor proves too disgusting to my own imagination.  To think that he then walks around his apartment barefooted with this contamination upon his feet proves evey more disgustion to my own imagination.  What this means is as follows: everywhere Bri-ron goes, he carries with the biohazardous contamination that is the urine splatter.  As one might deduces, it is as if he is urinating on us all whether we like or not.

I am disgusted.  I wish I would choke on my own vomit.
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An Interview with a Vision Quester - Part II [Jun. 6th, 2007|09:22 pm]
Brian + Tyler = Bryler Slash

So, as the gentle reader knows, we here at Bryler Slasher like to play with the truth in order to unveil what our subjects really mean as they speak cryptically of their gayness.  Fortunately for us, my partner-in-crime has provided us with information pertinent to the real gayness of Bryler.  The following is the real transcript of a conversation between the Queen of Emo and Bri-ron of Bryler.  Please enjoy and know that this is the unadulterate truth.  You best believe, I have preserved the interview in its entirety with no fluff.  I have bolded the important parts.

Cheryderry69: So how's tyler doing?

Bri-ron: He's going okay, you know, I mean he's busy.

C: Yeah, you guys went for another hike together didn't you?

B: Yeah, it was great!! we talked about so many things.  It was almost better than the first Vision Quest!

C: Really? I didn't think that was possible.  What did you talk about?

B: Oh man, it was like an ejaculation of ideas!

C (trying not to laugh): Um okay.  So what did you, um (trying not to say ejaculate), talk about?

B: Well we talked about relationships and ... well, stuff I can't really discuss in this (looks around) mixed crowd.

C: You mean "yeah yeah yeah" (to use Bri-ron'ss euphemism for sex).

B: Yeah.  Well, we both figured out that we don't really need sex in a relationship.  Most of the time I'm disgusted by it, by the act.

C: So is that why you broke up with Julie?

B: Yeah.  I just realized I couldn't have sex with her so I had to break it off.

C: Gotcha.  Probably a good idea then.

B: Yeah, definitely.  I realize I'm better and happier on my own. I'm just happier without a woman in my life.

C: And Tyler feels the same way about this?

B: Yeah, well you know he's said that if he could have his relationship with Erin, without the sex, he totally would.

C: Really?

B: Yeah.  Um, that's a secret by the way.

C: Yeah, I figured.  Of course it's a secret.

B: Well, sometimes you just have to say these things to make sure people know.

C: Yeah.  Well, I guess it seems like you two have a lot in common.

B: Yeah, we share a lot of things.  It's good for both of us.

I kid you not, this conversation really took place in public.  One word: wow!
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AN INTERVIEW WITH A VISION QUESTER [Jun. 5th, 2007|01:26 pm]
Brian + Tyler = Bryler Slash
[What I's At |4t]
[How I Feel |amusedamused]
[What I Hear |My Own Laughter]

Me: First things first, Bri-ron, thanks for joining us so soon after your epic Vision Quest.

Bri-ron:  Well...thanks for having me.  It's a real honor to be here to talk about such an important event in my life where I was able to discover myself.

M:  First off, I must ask: how do you feel?

B (sorely) : I cant move, I cant do anything, my feet are killing me, my legs are shot, I just have to rest.

M:  Sounds painful.

B (smiling) :  Yeah, but not really.  It's a good type of pain.  It's great to have shared it with someone so important to my life and my self-understanding.

M (winking):  You mean your compatriot, Tyler?

B (still smiling):  Oh, yeah. 

M:  How was your interaction with your fellow Vision Quester?

B (with an air of serenity): Tyler and I talked about everything.  We definitely feed off each other.  I'm glad he's around, he's a good man and we've kind of embraced it and enjoyed it.  We have a lot to share.  We shared ourselves with each other.

M:  Sounds like it (wink, wink; nudge, nudge).  It sounds like you both tired one another out from pentetrating each other's...minds.

B: Oh, definitely.  But the fatigue, the exhaustion, just lets me know it's been a real experience.  What I feel in my body is matched by what I feel in my mind.

M: That's some real penetrating stuff.  Sounds so intense.  So how were the days structured?

B: Well, we began early in the morning. We hiked 7-8 miles, side by side.  After finding a good spot to set up shop, we set up camp ground near a river, it was something of beauty.  It being not quite nightfall, we hiked 3 miles more.  Growing tired and physically fatigued, we  then hiked back to begin the spiritual part of our journey.  We chilled out, read, and wrote.  Our muscles tired by the physical feats of the day, we took a dip in the river, the cool waters healing the pains in our butts, thighs, and feet.  Being who I am, I relieved myself in the waters.  The cool river felt magical around my genitals.  After the gentle waters had passed over us, cleansing us of the wear and tear of the day, we returned to shore, glistening from the river water, and had dinner.  As the day (or gay?) gave way to night, we welcomed sweet dusk as we watched the stars.  After considering the awesomeness of the day, we turned in and went to sleep.  The next day we returned home to relax and contemplate individually the experience.

M: Considering the purpose and nature of a Vision Quest, what were the issues you intended to and did grapple with?

B (perplexed):  I was definitely focusing on two central issues: 1. imagination-- I tend to focus on the future and unknown and those cause anxiety; 2. I am coming to grips with the concept I have with my body-- I never am gonna be satisfied, which brings into question why I excercise: is it to look better or feel better?

M:  You said to me privately that the second issue was the most troubling for you.  Would you care to elaborate?

B (troubled) : Sure.  It is easy to tell yourself by principle you look fine, but my standards are strange and I'm trying to just work through it and be happier with the way I look.  But its cool, I'm just trying to be happy with it.

M: It sounds like a great experience.  It sounds like you know yourself and you know Try-ler better.

B (smiling with a glow in his eyes at the mention of his friend): Yeah, I definitely do.  I'm hungry for more.
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Vision Quest: A True Story of Queerness [May. 20th, 2007|08:02 pm]
Brian + Tyler = Bryler Slash
[What I's At |Fortress of Solitude]
[How I Feel |draineddrained]
[What I Hear |The Sound of Sweet Surrender]

Part I: Base Camp, Point of Origin, Ground Zero

Narrator: We find Bryler sitting quietly in a car together and dawn begins to break. The air is damp and the dew rests heavily upon the blades of green grass. The combined breaths of Bri-ron and Try-ler continue to fog up the windshield and the windows.

T: Oh man. You have no idea how excited I am. I've been waiting for this moment all my life.
T (rubbing his own thighs): Boy, it's cold in here.
B (breathing heavily, already sweating profusely): Not me. I'm a little hot under the collar. . . if you catch my (tokyo) drift.
T (rubbing the dash): Do you mind turning the defrost on?
B (lightly taken aback): No. I kinda like the mystery. Others can't see in. We can't see out. It's kinda like life. We are all searching for something but we can't even see what's standing right before our very eyes. Sometimes I can barely see my own hands. The darkness is so great around me and it continues to grow creating a giant void, an abyss so to speak, of nothingness and--
T (confused, annoyed): Wh-what the hell are you talking about man?
T (searching the center console of the car): You know Brian sometimes it feels like you're here but you're not here. I just wanna reach out and pull you back in. Bring you back to me, back to ground zero, you know? Sometimes you're so caught in the aether that I can't find you. You're lost to me. . .
B (nodding his head): ...
T (reaching for the hem of Brian's flannel): Come back to me. Why won't you come?
B (nodding his head... pauses): . . . .WHAT?
T (pulling up on the hem of Brian's flannel to reveal the white pastiness which lies beneath): What!? (gripping the stick shift with his free hand) It seems like you like this. Don't you? I'm talkin' about up the butt.

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Fashionista, I Think Not...Fashion-Criminal, I Think Yes [May. 16th, 2007|02:10 pm]
Brian + Tyler = Bryler Slash
[What I's At |Fortress of Solitude]
[How I Feel |chipperchipper]
[What I Hear |Somebody Bouncing...]

Men white T


When one thinks about fashion, one generally thinks of a multitude of colors, patterns, and styles. For Tyler of the Bryler, fashion is embodied in one item alone, the simple white t-shirt. To knock him for his clear poverty (we all know that the Hanes 12-pack will only set you back $5), which be rude. However, to knock him for his blandness is a whole other thing. As our readers have already determined, the simple minds that form the collective Voltron-like simpleton of Bryler are defined by simplicity masquerading as erudition. The white t-shirt is but another manifestation of this plain truth. In the sense of clothing, white is not a color. Think about the rainbow, where is the fucking white? Think about the original eight-color Crayola crayon box, where is the fucking white? The answer to both questions is no. Do you have to bleach your colored clothing? No, you don't. Bleach is reserved for those garments whose affectation of color you wish to destroy. In conclusion, white is not a color, it's the absence of color.

Now Tyler wears a white shirt all the time. I think sometimes he thinks himself a little like P-Diddy, whose immaculately white clothes are something of splendour. However, a simple white undershirt parading as an overshirt in no way strikes the viewer's eye like the Bad Boy at his White Parties. The only time you ever see Tyler in another style of shirt, it is when he is looking to absolutely queerify himself. Sometimes, he will wear a baby blue American Eagle t-shirt with horizontal stripes about the breast area. The shirt is most remarkable considering its fit. It looks like it was made for a 12 year old girl, short sleeves barely covering the shoulder showing Tyler pasty-white arms and the bottom of the shirt barely touching the waist of his pants, providing a small glint of the pasty-whiteness that abounds around Tyler's omphalos. If the Gtown grad lounge were Ibiza, his image might prove worthwhile. Because it is the Gtown grad lounge and we are studying English literature, itself an emasculating process, his dress only testifies further to the gayness of his person. The only consolation, Bri-ron doesn't dress the same.

Then there's the Guinness rugby shirt with its wrinkled collar and ugly faded black-white appearance. Now, I love Guinness...in a can or in a glass. On myself, that's a whole other thing. And, who plays freaking rugby? If you answered yes, then you have personal problems. Maybe, I can even live with that realization that you might answer "yes," but I can guarantee that wearing a rugby shirt and khakis is not the same thing as playing rugby with a bunch of burly and muddy men scrambling for a queer ball beneath a homosexual scrum.

We won't even begin to discuss his shoes...


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We Salute You, You Brylers of the World [May. 15th, 2007|02:53 pm]
Brian + Tyler = Bryler Slash
[What I's At |VQ Base Camp]
[How I Feel |accomplished]

It has most recently come to the attention of this writer that Bryler partake of an interesting ritual when going to grab beers at a bar. You know, most of us make the sacrifice of grabbing the next round of drinks while our friends enjoy the luxury of not having to move from their seats. This is what we call common courtesy. However, when the Bryler attempts to procure libations for each other, they must accompany each other to the bar. You don't see them holding hands, but you do see the smiles and the poor attempts at heterosexuality. If you look closely enough, what you will see is their souls interweaving and intermingling, sharing the sweet essence of their gayness.

Like little girls going to the little girls' room together, Bryler goes together to order drinks. I would have to assume that bartenders must look at these "guys" (I use that term loosely) are rather strange if not totally queer (I believe the latter, though the former is the necessary manifestation of the latter as well). Whoever's turn it is to order, perks up, and asks, "Barkeep, I would like to purchase some cold refreshing for my boy, I mean, friend and myself. Can I get a couple of Bud Lites?" (Btw, Bryler puts the light in light beer!) The bartender would immediately turn around to grab their order whilst shooting a quick look at a co-worker, intimating, "Get a look at these guys. Have you ever seen something so gay?" The bartender of course returns with the Schmitt's Gay and hands to the enamoured couple who walk away in glee.

Even this past weekend, when one half of the Bryler was out of town, the remaining half of the duo carried on his queer beer ordering ways. Another of Bri's friends (a man of course) saunters in and Brian with excitement says, "Let's go grab some beers." (By the way, Brian never drinks unless he has a male companion at his side). Bri then says, "I'll get this one, you get the next." I'm not going to bother to try and play down the queer undertones. Just know this, you could cut the queerness with a knife, a very very very dull knife it is that palable and that soft.

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